My mother and I can usually tolerate each other, but it has gotten to the point that our relationship is completely explosive. I can’t stand her, she can’t stand me. I don’t know what’s going on and honestly I don’t think it’s fixable.
You’re probably thinking I’m crazy because she is the one woman that is supposed to love me unconditionally, the woman that actually materialized me, the woman that is supposed to be my heroine. I am actually dead ass jealous of the girls that they can say in all honesty that their mother is their best friend because I can honestly and most definitely say she is not mine.
I tend to think that since we have such a monetary relationship I feel like I owe her all the time. So, I take her hits and try to keep quiet. Yet, recently I haven’t been able to. I have started to stand up for myself because I can’t take it anymore and it’s complete bullshit. She doesn’t have the right to treat me like shit because she buys me things and supports me. I shouldn’t feel obligated to take her shit because if not she will cut me off and I will be completely fucked.
There are things that she says to me that have stung so hard I can’t forget them. The time I told her I got accepted into a program at another college out of our city to study the career she studied and well ultimate goal succeed in life, she had the fucking nerve to tell me that “you only want to go because you have no friends here”. Are you fucking serious? How much of a lower blow could that have been? I am telling you, this woman is 54 years old. FIFTY FUCKING FOUR. How could a parent ever say that type of shit to their child? She was trying to intentionally hurt me. On a side note, I do have friends here. She is such a control freak that she thinks I am leaving because I want to hurt her. Why would I want to hurt my mother? She thinks everything is about her and well it’s really not.
This mission trip I’m going on. It’s something she has done a million times in her country. Instead of being happy with me because I am participating in my community and getting more involved in my faith, she is super skeptical and has fought me every step of the way. I am honestly looking forward to this because I can separate from my phone and maybe chill out from her for that week and a half.
Lastly the other day I told her I was getting a second piercing on my ear. You know, the second hole that everyone has? Yes, that one. Well I told her while my family was eating and of course she was annoyed with me because everything I ever tell her she isn’t okay with or happy with. After everyone left and we are picking up the table she looks at me and says “I want to get another piercing” in a mocking voice. Let me repeat, she is fifty four. FIFTY FOUR. What the fuck kind of reaction is this? This woman that is supposed to love me unconditionally, fucking mocked me. If that isn’t messed up, I don’t know what is.
It took me a long time to realize this but I have and there is nothing I can do. I will never be enough for her. She will never be satisfied with me. She will fight everything that I tell her and ask her. She will probably hate me as long as I live. Yes, I know hate is a strong word but there is no other way to describe the way she looks at me. And yes when she has no one else to talk to, she will pretend she didn’t just lash out at me and she will try and have a normal conversation with me. NOPE.
But you want to know what the real problem is? I’m not my brother.