Have you ever used the phrase: “I want to kill myself” ? Honestly, that’s usually just what it always is right? A phrase? We never mean it, it’s just a way of saying we are having a shitty day or a shitty time. So, what happens when someone really means it? What happens then? What do you say? Do you say anything at all? Is there really anything in the world you could possibly say back to that?

In my opinion, no.

I have an older brother who, I think suffers from depression. I feel like I am always trying to take care of him, and I don’t mind even though I am the younger one and it’s kind of supposed to be vice versa. Some days he’s fine and pretty normal but other days he can’t seem to get out of bed. This is not the worst part though, this is cake compared to when I hear the words “I want to kill myself” come out of his mouth. I try to help him but when he says this I feel like the world’s most helpless human and the somewhat medium sized rock that I have been carrying on my shoulders suddenly gets ginormous and crushes me until I can’t breathe. I used to think that he was joking. Everyone jokes about killing themselves, right? So I used to just kind of ignore it, because I’m pretty good at that.

You know how almost a lot of teenagers go through an emo phase? Yeah well, that was my brother and I. Mostly skinny jeans and sort of rock music on my end, but my brother went all out. He even had those thick bracelets you wear to hide your scars under. Yes, the wrist cutting. My brother would show me his and I would laugh because he was taking the emo thing pretty far. Then one day out of curiosity I tried it and was actually shocked by the amount of pain it created.

I remember the first time I actually realized it was serious. We were talking and then he told me how he was on top of a parking garage ready to jump. Please tell me, what in the fucking world do you say to that? WHAT?! I cannot for the love of me even begin to understand a feeling like that. He needs help, I know. But I don’t think I can help him. I can do a lot of things, I’m not sure treating depression is one of the above.

Has he seen a therapist? Yes he has, not for too long though. Maybe they weren’t a good match? I’m not sure, but he needs help now more than ever. I’ve told my parents, they don’t seem to understand. My father thinks he just needs to grow up like he thinks my hand sweat is psychological. Mind you, I’m not saying they’re negligent. I just think maybe it’s the fact that they grew up differently than my brother and I. My parents work very hard to make our dreams possible and because of this are hardly ever around. I don’t blame them, they are the sole reason I can carry out the education I am.

I hope this is a phase. I hope that he will turn his life around and later on in his life he will look back and think of how silly he was to ever feel like ending his life. I hope the day he looks his kids in the eyes, he’ll be reminded of how precious life is. I hope, I hope, I hope.

-Ipseity Girl


2 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. You remind me so much of my mom it’s ridiculous. My mom is uber-independent and had to get a job at 14 to support her brother and mother. They both had their issues and it made my mom’s home life impossible. I don’t know how she got through it but she did. On top of that, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when she was 20. Because she chose to have me it metastasized to her liver and she had a LOT of surgeries. If you ask her she will probably show you her peace-sign belly.

    I can only imagine what she went through and how it felt to fight cancer all by herself. I can only imagine what your brother is going through. I know that our parents do everything they can to make our dreams come true. And this may seem a little selfish but I wish sometimes they would notice that it’s not our dreams that we want. We want to be noticed, given validation of our existence, and not ignored. Anyway, that’s just how I feel in my situation.

    Another reason that I mentioned that you remind of my mom is because her brother–my uncle–also suffers from depression. And other things. I can see it when I’m with him and I can see how my mom has tried to shield me from it my whole life. I don’t know what to do for him but whenever I’m around him I just want to indulge him. Give him the validation of existing that I know we all crave, not ignore him. My mom says that I don’t understand what he’s capable of. But how can I if she never gives me a chance to see?

    I hope your brother and my uncle can one day get the help they need. But I know they won’t be able to do it alone and I’m scared. Because I don’t know what I can do, and I’m scared possibly knowing what I’ll have to do.


    1. Sorry for taking so long to reply but thank you. I know you mentioned your mother is a very hard person to deal with, you still make her sound like a lovely woman though. I understand what you mean by validation. I think it goes back to approval and acceptance from them and that is truly all we ever want. Back to your uncle though, I understand your mother’s motives. Honestly protecting us is their job and well she wants to shield you. Depression is, through what I have seen with my brother, a burden. I think your mother is trying to carry it all by herself and doesn’t want to drop anymore on your shoulders. She will definitely have to someday though, so be prepared for it.

      Liked by 1 person

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