For years I’ve been taught to be polite but I wonder if also for years I’ve taken being polite too far? I guess in some ways you can say that “sorry” is my ultimate favorite word and it’s so crazy because not until recently have I realized this. My whole life I have been apologizing for all the wrong things. I’ve been apologizing for things that make me, me. I’ve been undermining myself for so long now that I have no idea how to make my way back to my old self. I find myself in this constant search for identity that I’m not sure I even have.
Petal by petal I’ve been changing myself physically and not only until recently have I also noticed that these are not my opinions but those of others. “Take off your glasses, you look better without them”… Shit, I used to love my fucking glasses but it’s gotten to the point that before I go out, I will wear my contacts because I am “prettier” that way.
I want to stop doing this, to stop caring, to just. I want to just be myself but I don’ t know who “myself” is anymore or maybe I never even knew who she was in the first place.
I realize that keeping this blog anonymous goes back to the whole caring about what people think but I’m working on it, I promise.